Have you ever loved and lost without getting into a relationship? I mean a two-way relationship. Stuff where someone’s feelings are reciprocated by the person whom you have fell for. If your answer is yes, then we are on the same page right now. Yep you read it right, as in NOW.
This is not your extra-special girly diary where you can feel ecstatic to go on and continue reading because you can feel the magic of love with every detail on the scenario. This is neither your typical love story where the girl meets the boy thereafter follows their happily ever after. Well, I am just a young lady who fell in love with a young man, who eventually loved me back much more than I deserve till he left me hanging…just like that.
I wonder if there are mornings when you wake up missing me just as how much I fell asleep at night thinking of you, and how I crave for your presence first thing in the morning when I open up my eyes as the sun’s scorching heat approaches my still sleepy eye windows. I wonder if once in your life, you have ever felt of picking me as your first choice. That once in your life, you are willing to give up everything that makes you a busy bee just to make me feel that I am loved, that despite your ultra-busy schedule I can always hold on to the fact that I have you. That I can always count on you. Even just for a day.
Can you still remember the first time we met? It was not magical, I know. But if felt surreal. Surreal till now that I can’t even decipher the difference of a dream and of a reality. Then and now, it was you and it is you alone you gives me butterflies in the stomach and who’s sending chills down my spine just by the thought of you..and your mere presence alone. Take note, not your physical presence but your presence on my heart and mind everywhere I go, anytime of the day. That’s how I fell for you. That’s how hard I fell for you.
I do not know where to start. I am definitely not used to airing my laundries in public, though admittedly there are moments where I give hints on my thoughts, because I can’t handle them alone. I am afraid if I will not blurt them out, I will be like a very fragile glass which reached its frequency level and as an offshoot, broke into tiny little pieces. I don’t wanna be like that. I can be so broken inside but I won’t let other people see that I am slowly dying as I am struggling to live and survive. That is how strong I seem to be. That is how I want to be perceived by others. Because I don’t wanna look weak. I don’t wanna look fragile. I never want people to see me as a damsel in distress, always a needy one. I needed a hero so I became my own hero. Until you came…
I always had my heart guarded. I thought that was the only way I can save myself from pains and heartaches this so-called love give. But you were so mighty that you melted the ice that I have bravely constructed within me from day one. That is how lovely you are. That even I took a step closer and worked hand-in-hand with you like we were singing Disney Frozen’s Let It go with the very lyrics “The cold never me bother me anyway.” I helped you break the ice inside me. I betrayed myself, for the sake of you. That is how I love you. You were like a thief, I never saw you coming and you stole my heart without a single warning. You always come day and night like a thief, stealing me my sanity leaving me unguarded and like a love struck teenage girl, I fell head over heels for you. No, I still am head over heels in love with you.
Put in mind that before I confess and publish this one, it took me a lot of courage. A lot of courage to turn my back on self-denial, and a lot of courage to expose myself like I am letting other people have a piece of me. And know every inch of me. And I hope you also find that courage to at least show yourself and explain to me everything that happened. Why did you let me go when in the first place you asked and even begged me to hold on to ‘what we have’? Why something so beautiful have to end up this way?
To the person reading this, thank you for finishing my open letter. I hope you will never feel this way, because it is hard to be in pain while showing to everyone that you are perfectly okay. It is hard to fight your own battle. But I am very grateful because during these dark moments of my life, I know I have God beside me. I know He is there for me. Any time of the day, everywhere.
And lastly, to you, the very first person who made me feel than I am human – capable of loving and deserve to be loved, I do not know what happened to “us”. You thought me how to bring down all my defenses and give love a try. You taught me to love you… without even teaching me how to unlove you. You left me hanging…just like that. You gave me an open-ended story and I do not know myself what kind of ending this should have. I need answers..